A space called friendship

(Short article and experiments)

I’ll jump right in — after all, that’s what I’m known for — and explain:
There is no such thing as friends.
What, are you crazy? Of course there are friends. I have quite a few! Good ones, even.”
I add another sentence to my first statement, which is:
There’s no such thing as good friends three times over.
Because if there were good friends, there would also be bad friends, and what exactly is a bad friend?
The word “friend” stands on three long, thin, wobbly wooden legs: assumption, expectation and disappointment.
The classics on the subject of assumptions about friends are:
I assume that in a friendship you enjoy spending time together.
I assume that people are interested in each other in a friendship.
I assume that friends should trust each other.
I assume that friends can talk to each other about anything.
I assume that friends should protect each other.
I suppose that in a friendship you don’t tell on each other.
I assume that people don’t hurt each other in a friendship.
I assume that in a friendship you don’t kill each other.

“Yes, but surely you can expect that your best friend won’t betray you!”
Here we are with expectations. They are very close to the assumptions. In your pocket, assumptions and expectations are right next to each other and your hand can barely keep them apart.
For example, from the assumption (I assume that in a friendship you enjoy spending time together.) can come the expectations:
I expect you to show up for my birthday.
I expect you to talk to me on the phone several times a week.
And that you also call me sometimes, not always only I call you!
I expect from you that I have a certain value in your life.
I expect from you that you invite me to your place when there is something to celebrate.
And that I sit next to you and not at the other end of the table.
I expect that I am as important to you as you are to me.
I expect you not to tell anyone what I confide in you.
And above all, I expect you to know all this, because it is natural in a friendship and I don’t have to mention it.

But then what if the person doesn’t meet your expectation? If she doesn’t invite you to her birthday party, or if she invites you but puts your place card at the last table in the room, where her unpopular neighbors are sitting? What if she never calls you or even hurts you? What if she betrays you?

“If my friend betrays me and disappoints me so badly, then this person does not deserve the name friend. Then it’s not a friendship anymore and maybe it never was.”
And we are already at the disappointments. In relation to friendship then fall sentences like:
Now she should get in touch with me first.
I am very disappointed in her. We were such good friends. I never thought she would do this to me.
She betrayed my trust.
She went too far. I can’t forgive her for that. She hurt me deeply.
I can never forgive her for not standing by me during this difficult time.
I don’t care how she feels. She left me hanging back then, too. She should stay where the pepper grows. The friendship is broken after so long.
I just can’t trust her anymore.

So what is the person now if she is no longer your friend? Is she an enemy? A bad friend? Is she a former friend? An ex-friend of yours? What do you call him?
If she is only your friend because she has the same assumptions as you, then the friendship is on shaky ground after all. Then the friendship immediately falls down when an assumption is not shared, an expectation is not met.
If she is only your friend because she has never hurt you and has not yet disappointed you, then your friendship is a time bomb that can go off at any moment, because at any moment she can disappoint you, forget you, betray you. Intentionally or by accident. If she is only your friend because you see eye-to-eye with her, then it is a matter of time before she is better, prettier or more popular than you in some area and then what?

But then what is friendship?
Suppose friendship is a space. And one in which any number of people could be.
And if you were the only person in that space right now, well, what could be better than being in a space called friendship with yourself?
And even better, of course, is if someone comes in to that space.
And suppose that could be people you know and also some people you don’t know. Suppose the door to that space were only ajar at all times, so that anyone could enter the space called friendship at any time.
If someone entered the space, they would automatically be a friend, so to speak, simply because they entered the space called friendship.
Suppose anyone could also leave the space called friendship at any time, and what would that mean?
Well, since there is no opposite of a space, there would then be no opposite of friendship. It would just mean that the person is not in the space called friendship now and therefore nothing can be shared with them in that space now.
That’s all, and she can come back into the space at any time as long as it exists.

Suppose it were so: only one person needs to declare a space called friendship and poof! there it would be.
And because this space is so easily created out of nothing, anything is possible in it.
I don’t have to explain what that is. The everything. You know that.

Oh, my first statement that there is no such thing as friends? I take it back. I have changed my mind.

Experiments on the space called friendship:

Write down the names of your ten best friends. Also write down what you love and appreciate about them.
Call them all. One by one. Tell them what you appreciate and love about them. Optionally, you can write them a love letter.

Write down three friends you have lost track of, with whom you are no longer in contact.
Write down the story of why you lost touch.
Write down the story again responsibly. What did you do, say, think that caused you to lose each other. What were your assumptions, expectations, disappointments?

Declare a space called friendship / part 1
For three days and each day in different places and at different times, declare 10 spaces called friendship using your clicker.
Declare that the door is always slightly open so that each person can come and go at any time.
Where does the space called frienship start, where does it end?
For example, declare that the whole train compartment is your space called friendship. Walk around the space and greet or smile at your friends. Close the space called friendship as well with your clicker.

Declare a space called friendship / part 2
Sit in a café and declare your space called friendship with your clicker.
This can be your table and the neighboring table, it can also be the whole café. You decide. Every person who enters your space called friendship is now your friend and you are theirs.
Look at your friends, look at how they come and go, just as it has always been in your life. Friends come and go. Close the space called friendship as well with your clicker.

Declare a space of friendship / Part 3
Go to a coffee shop with another person. Now, together with your clickers, declare your space called friendship. Where does it start and where is the door?
Look at your friends going out and going in. Look at yourselves. You are friends. What do you feel? Share with each other.
Invite another person who is in the space called friendship with you to your table. Drink tea together and talk. Meet your new friend and tell them about your experiment. Close the space called friendship as well with your clicker.